The Oiled Story

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Booze, hookers and kittens. So many kittens.

Dearest Dinner,

First of all, let me congratulate you on being picked by the panel to be the meal I ate tonight. All members of the panel (my stomach, taste buds, laziness and complete lack of self respect) did not have to deliberate for long to come to this fantastic decision.

Good cheese pizzas are a rare breed these days and I cannot express how excited I am about working with you again in the future.

You performed admirably tonight and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Totally Ate The Fuck Out of You.

PS. Actually, on second thought, I’m not really looking forward to seeing you again soon. It will probably be in a few hours and I imagine you won’t be nearly as appetizing as when you entered my body through my mouth n throat hole.

As of the moment you evacuate the premises you may consider yourself relieved. As will I be, I guess.